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Mitch McConnell Appreciates His "Me" Time

January 31, 2023

Mitch McConnell, the senior senator from Kentucky, works hard. Being the leader of the Republican Party in the Senate, he has a tremendous amount of responsibility. That is why Senator McConnell believes it is so important for him to make some time just for himself every day. "People don't realize how stressful it is being a Republican senator. Some days it's 10 hours straight working to stifle the president's plans. After that, I need a break. I'll often meet up with my crochet club at Paneras. After a split pea soup and turkey sandwich, we crochet baby booties until closing time. It's a great way to unwind." Senator McConnell said that some of the most difficult times for him were when Donald Trump was president. "Just because we were both Republicans didn't mean that we were always on the same page. People sometimes forget that I'm an ultra-conservative Republican and Donald Trump is a lunatic Republican. While he was president, and even no

NASA: "We're really going to Mars. It won't be staged. Honest."

November 12, 2021

For over 50 years, NASA has had to fight the rumors that the moon landings were faked. Again and again NASA has provided proof that the landings were not a hoax, but skeptics remain. "It's frustrating that some people still believe that NASA didn't land astronauts on the moon," said Dr. Luna Fausse, spokesperson for NASA. "Because we definitely did and we're definitely going to put astronauts on the surface of Mars." Dr. Fausse said that teams of dedicated scientists and engineers are hard at work on the Mars mission just as they once were on the Moon missions. "Back then, some people believed that going to the moon was impossible," said Dr. Fausse. "They thought that there was no way that we could transport three people hundreds of thousands of miles through the coldness of space, land two of them on the moon, and then return them home safely. They assumed that it was more plausible that we just faked everything from a secret soundstage.

Jersey City Statue Modified to Reflect "Jersey Attitude"

October 26, 2021

A large sculpture depicting a woman with her finger to her lips in a "shushing" pose was recently unveiled in Jersey City, New Jersey. The statue is called "Water's Soul" and it is intended as a tribute to the beauty and importance of the Hudson River. The artist placed his art so that it would overlook the river and face New York City in the hope that it would unite the people of Jersey City and New York City. Unfortunately, the powers that be in Jersey City decided that the statue needed some modifications. "Ya know, having a lady shushing, or whatever, is nice I guess, but it just don't feel like New Jersey," said Jersey City council member Art Gottago. "I mean, maybe some fancy-schmancy states like Connecticut would say it's great, but this is Jersey! I'm not saying the statue is bad or nothin', but c'mon! It's a giant lady asking people to be quiet. Good luck with that!" The Jersey City Council determined that the

Donald Trump Claims Constitution Proves Election Was Like Golf: Low Score Wins

October 11, 2021

Former President Donald Trump announced that based on a unique interpretation of the Constitution, he actually won the election by receiving fewer votes. Trump is suggesting that a little known amendment states that in the event of suspected voter fraud, the candidate who receives fewer votes is obviously not the cheater and, therefore, will be declared the winner. "Of course, I won the election," said Trump. "Every poll shows I should have won and if the election hadn't been stolen, I would still be in the White House. But I've had some of the best people looking into it, and they've come up with a great, really, really great answer that will stop the steal." The best people that Trump is referring to is CEO of the My Pillow company, Mike Lindell. He claims that while doing research in the National Archives, he discovered an unknown part of the 12th Amendment. "Don't let the fake news media fool you," said Lindell. "Donald Trump won t

Rep Marjorie Taylor Greene Creates Anti-Vaccination Mascot

September 28, 2021

In an effort to help debunk the myth that vaccinations are necessary, Representative Marjorie Taylor Green has created a friendly mascot to spread awareness. "The American people need to remember that this is not Nazi Germany!" said Greene, invoking her favorite historical analogy. "No one can tell us that we have to get an untested vaccine just because there's a flu going around. Study after study has shown that the vaccine is not effective, no matter what the leftist media preaches. That's why I have created Auntie Vaxxer as an anti-vaccination mascot." Greene explained that Auntie Vaxxer is a sweet little old lady who represents the best in American values. She is full of old-time wisdom and common sense. "We will bring Auntie Vaxxer to various social media and produce pamphlets where Auntie Vaxxer will explain in simple words why no one can make you get vaccinated." Rep Greene says Auntie Vaxxer may be cute, but she has an important job. "

President Biden Puts Florida Up for Sale

September 24, 2021

President Joe Biden has decided that the state of Florida is no longer worth the trouble. "Sometimes you realize you just have to cut bait," said the president. "I just didn't know what we could do about it. Then, last Sunday, I was watching cartoons with my grandson. A Bugs Bunny comes on and at some point Bugs takes a big saw and cuts Florida loose. That's when it hits me; maybe we can't cut Florida off the continent, but I bet we could get some other country to take it off our hands." There is precedent for countries to buy and sell territories. Although his offer was not accepted, former president President Trump tried to buy Greenland from Denmark. The United States purchased the entire middle of the country from France with the Louisiana Purchase. In 1867, Russia sold Alaska to the U.S. for $7.2 million. So the idea of selling Florida to another nation is not all that strange. The Biden administration is actively seeking buyers. They have already r

Donald Trump Announces Plans for His Presidential Library

September 20, 2021

Beginning with Franklin Roosevelt, every President has donated the documents from their time in office to a Presidential Library. The libraries serve as a museum, preserving the legacy of American presidents for future generations. The libraries are privately funded, often from donations, and federally maintained by the National Archives. The former presidents contribute to decisions about location, design, and content. Now, former president, Donald Trump, has begun work on his own library. "I will build a great library," said former President Trump. "And nobody builds libraries better than me, believe me, and I’ll build it very inexpensively. I will build a great, great library in Las Vegas and I’ll have somebody else pay for that library." The Trump library will be unique because it will also be a resort casino. "The Trump Presidential Library & Resort will be huge!" said Trump. "It's being designed by the best people,,, the best people. The

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